Thursday, November 8, 2012

Here...Have This

Y'know, there's nothing like the smell of a freshly printed book, is there? Not that any of us would know...by the time we hold a book in our hands, it's pretty stale, I think. The tree has been dead for quite a little while, there's processing involved in the paper that strips out the magic, and then it sits in a warehouse until someone decides, "Hey...let's put words on this, cut it into squares and sell it on the internet!" At least, that's how I imagine it happens. I can't say for sure, though.

It's not like TLC is making documentaries about stuff like that.

They have six year-old pageant brats jacked up on Mountain Dew to cover instead.

Since I can't depend on educational television to enlighten me to the real deal, I can only guess that this is how processed a book's components are by the time it lands in the loving lap of an awaiting reader. They could be made by the Muppets or the Rockefellers or the Illuminati for all I know...I just write the things. I do know this, however: every brand-spanking new JOE VAMPIRE comes out of the factory piping hot and fresh off the print-on-demand presses, kids. They smell like liberty, like freedom...like two hundred forty-three pages of sarcastic words that make up a vampire's tale of wit and woe.

And I want someone to have one.

I'll even write my name in it, if that's something you're into.




It'll be smaller than this, and written on the inside
with Sharpie. Also: there might be a doodle.

All you have to do is comment on this post and tell me: what is the one thing you'd like least about being a vampire? Could be anything: itchy capes, brushing your fangs three times a day. Gas. Whatever you think. Just comment on it in the box at the bottom of the screen to enter. We'll go ahead and run the contest through Saturday, JOEVEMBER 17th so we can get a goodly build-up of comments. Everyone who answers will be entered in a scientific random drawing process I like to call "I Put All Your Names In A Cup And Have My Youngest Kid Pull One Out". Take THAT, Lloyds of London...or whoever it is that guards the Academy Award winner envelopes.

That could be the Muppets, too. 

At any rate...

Sound like a sweet deal?

Cool beans.

Feel free to spread the word to your friends and family. I'll be sending out reminders as the days go by. And remember to leave your comment below...you could be the big winner of a paperfied version of JOE VAMPIRE.  










13 comments:

  1. I don't think I could handle the aversion to garlic thing. I mean, I loooove garlic. Garlic breath might even be a turn-on for me. So having a bulb of garlic shoved at me so that I turn into a pile of vampy-dust? I'm not down with that. Give me an extra order of garlic bread, and hold the vampire suckage, thank you very much.

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    1. Oh yeah - garlic is a must! I'd have to agree with you.

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  2. Okay so my answer is kind of ridiculous, because here's the thing... I really suck at doing things like, shaving my legs and plucking my eyebrows. So there's a good chance if I was ever swooped up and turned into a vampire... y'know, I'd be pretty close to werewolf mode. And if I got stuck in eternity with this five o'clock leg shadow, I think I'd be pretty freaking bummed. My hubby says he doesn't mind that I don't shave that often, but he at least gets the bi-weekly smoothness. I think if he had to endure a forever of Sasquatch, he'd be a little bummed out, too. And also booze. I think I'd miss booze.

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    1. Not ridiculous at all; these are legitimate concerns...you have given a voice to the voiceless, and I thank you for that!

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  3. Sleeping in a coffin has to be the worst. At the very least, that damn thing had better be a custom order. My very own double wide. With my flannel pj's, cozy comforter, and down pillow. And my sword. In case some moron got any stupid ideas about trying to stake me while I sleep.

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    1. Nice...the sword is a definite must. And if someone could figure out how to make Sleep Number coffins with HDTVs on the lids, they'd make a killing (pun totally intended)!

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  4. To me the absolute worst part would have to be the blood craving/drinking/whatever you want to put here. I'm not squeamish when it comes to blood, or needles or anything like that, but the thought of drinking blood to survive...blech! When I eat a piece of steak, I like it a tiny bit pink...I don't like it mooing.

    I'd also miss having a tan. I do not rock the pale goth look well.

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    1. Yeah...drinking blood just sounds un-doable. And sucking it out of raw meat? Holy hell. Who came up with that crap? Oh, right...it was me.

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  5. Ok, this might not be the worst part of being a vampire, but it's a part that I'm not has ever been addressed. Do vampires have gas? And if so, how bad is that coming back up/going out? Whenever anything hits the digestive track, it turns into some rancid smelling stuff, so blood burps/farts have to be the worst. If I was a vampire, and my husband was a vampire, and we had a particularly fatty accountant for dinner, I think I might die from the accountant farts.

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    1. Holy crow - this is too funny...vampire gas is actually in the book! You'll know when you read it just how dead-on you are about this. Good call!

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  6. The worst part about being a vampire has to be that "burning by the sun" thing...No possibility of morning sex; No more sleeping in til noon; Enjoying a bikini beach is pretty much out; and just about the time the party gets going good, you have to leave to go to bed alone.

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    1. You are totally right on all fronts...it's definitely not the house party we've been led to believe it is.

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  7. Plain and simple, I could not handle being constantly mistaken for one of those whiney Twilight kids. I mean living here in Twilight town(Port Angeles) is already hard enough with all the rednecks, loggers, and Canadian tourists. Now we have all the freaky vampire wannabes with their glitter and glue in fangs. Of course they would all need to snap pictures with my vampire self in hopes of me possibly sparkling for them, and Bella Italia would end up naming some crappy pseudo Italian dish after me. On top of all of this, my real cool native friends (shhhh, werewolves... don't tell) would quit hanging out with me, and those boys sure know how to party.

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