Monday, November 5, 2012

Why Vampires Make Bad Boyfriends: Guest Post by Tracey Hansen

If you've read JOE, you know he has some trouble dealing with the women folk. His only two full-on relationships ended traumatically and sent him into hiding under his coffee table, sucking down spray cheese and hoping for the psychological scars to fade. Then, just when he's getting his groove back - BAM! Tagged by a vampire.

Yeah. He just can't seem to get a leg up.

And pining for workmate Chloe while flirting with her at the copy machine doesn't go as planned, either...especially after his vampire parts start showing up all over the place. 

It's hard out there for a vamp, yo.

While pondering the ins and outs for Joe being a real-life vampire trying to engage in a real-life relationship, I started wondering what it would be like from the other angle. How is it for whoever this sorry dude might end up with to have a vampire as a boyfriend, to have to deal with all his weirdness and moody freak-outs? 

Hell if I know.

So I turned the one friend I knew would capture the Joe Vampire spirit and tell it like it is from the girl's perspective - raunch talk and adult language, brutally hilarious honesty, and everything. She totally nailed it, too.

Put the spitable beverages aside, folks.

You're gonna laugh hard at this one.


Why Vampires Make Bad Boyfriends

It’s not that I wouldn’t have dated a guy like Joe, BEFORE he became a vampire. It’s the after I am wary about. I’ve had a hard time explaining this when people ask me why I’m just not interested in a guy like Joe. After all, he’s just an average guy, who will never die, just trying to figure out how to live, and I’m just an average girl, trying to figure out why I’m even entertaining the idea.    

So, I made a list to try and help me decide if a vampire boyfriend is really the right choice for me. 

#1. I prefer not to fuck popsicles. Seriously, you ever do a vampire? It’s like fucking dry ice.  Afterwards, I don’t need a cigarette; I need to sit in boiling water until I can feel my genitals again. He doesn’t need to fuck me; he just needs a warm place to thaw that thing out. Maybe, I can just buy him a weenie roaster. Back door action requires a week of thawing before I can even think of moving my bowels like a normal person. 

#2 Being poked on my inner thighs with those pointy-ass ears is not a good time…even when he’s attempting to give me one. And let’s not forget those pointy ass fanglets. Try explaining to the night nurse in the ER how a love nip turned into 7 stitches without them calling the cops. Go ahead, I dare you.

#3 Fear of being turned. I’ve heard the rumors, I know what happens. Montezuma’s revenge times a thousand…no thank you. 

#4 Where the fuck is Edward? In all good YA vampire books the vampires are rich and they sparkle. Joe will never be rich, even as a human he didn’t really have those types of ambitions, and the only way he will ever sparkle is if I attack him with my beadazzler when he’s not paying attention. Once I gave him a massage, but instead of message oil I used my sparkling body moisturizer. I lived the YA dream for about an hour until reality settled in-between my legs and I got penetrated by frosty the snow man.

#5  The raw meat in the fridge is seriously E. Coli waiting to happen. And it smells like the crazy neighbor kid slaughtered one too many cats on his way to becoming a full fledged serial killer. Watching a vampire man suck the blood out of the meat is seriously not the turn on I envisioned it to be. It’s similar to watching a morbidly obese man masturbate with bacon grease.

#6  Sometimes, at night…I LIKE TO SLEEP!!!!! The only way I pull an all-nighter is with the assistance of some illicit and extremely entertaining drugs or being REALLY drunk. I think Joe is a week away from checking me into rehab. 

#7  I thought all vampires looked like the cast of True Blood. But Joe? He seems to get more disfigured as the days go by. He’s no Eric Northman and certainly no Brad Pitt from Interview with a Vampire…he looks more like…the lovechild of Count Chocula and Bobcat Goldthwait.

This was supposed to be a pros and cons list, but since I really can’t come up with any pros I think I’ve decided to stick to the warm blooded. I like Joe, I really do, but I just don’t think I can handle all the complications that come from being a vampire’s girlfriend.  

Unless you are Eric Northman, in which case, if you’re reading this, call me.


How awesome is THAT?  Pretty sure Tracey speaks for every woman out there faced with the prospect of dating the undead. If you've never thought about how it might go down (ha!), now you know. And if you liked this post, you're gonna love her blog, Tracey's Tavern (in web address lingo, it looks a lot like She's also writing an awesome novel that shows her serious side and has contributed to Booktrope's WRITE FOR THE FIGHT to benefit breast cancer charities. You should totally check that out too, and pick up a copy for yourself. Good people doing good work for a good cause. Worth it, indeed.

Thanks for all the fun, uberTray. Mucho appreciatado.

And Mr. Northman: you heard the lady. 

Give her a call.

1 comment:

  1. Thanks for the warning about not drinking any beverages! There would have been sputter spatter all over my monitor had I not heeded your warning.