Sunday, May 4, 2014

Been a Minute

Hey folks...I'm back.

Joe Vampire, front and center.

Please bear with me. I'm still working the kinks out, starting with a freshen-up of the visuals around this place. I think you'll agree that the new decor is a lot more "me" that what we had going on a few years ago. No matter how attached you may have become to it - and it to you, as is often the case - sometimes you just have to peel off the old underwear, rip open a new package and put on a pair that only has four holes (the waist, legs and fly, for those of you who didn't pick up on the image).

It's always a pleasant surprise when you remember how sweet it feels to change things up.

I've been silent for a good long while, for no particular reason. Just living life as only a twenty-first century vampire lad can. Keeping my nose clean and my fangs to the grindstone...and vice-versa. Or verse-vice-a.

Versace Visa?

However the hell you say that.

I've been saving up a lot of chatter in my piggy bank, and I'm ready to break the damn thing open so I can blow my wad (didn't take long getting back to the raunch talk, did it? You're welcome, Internet.). No real agenda for it this time. Just droppin' bombs and scarin' moms, per the usual.

And looking to dish out a bit of sideways wisdom to whoever's hungry enough to eat it up.

For those of you who aren't familiar: my vocabulary is supremely gutter-quality. I don't put a warning up on the blog front...I think we can all agree that those things are ugly and depressing. They're the fanny pack/socks with sandals combo of web communication. And sometimes, even when you click "Yes, dammit - I'm 18 and I have a valid license to operate this website," it turns out there aren't any naked pictures or sexy-sexy talk on the other side.

I don't dig disappointment like that.

And really, does that crap deter the curious? Not usually. Just makes them curiouser to get to the other side.'s probably marketing.

Those clever bastards!

Still. Skipping it.

So know this: On occasion, the f-words around here may outnumber the adjectives seven to one - and that's in a post where I've shown restraint. If language of this flavor isn't your thing, I bet there's something showing on Pinterest you'd like a whole lot more than the shit I say. Feel free to click on over. Maybe start with their Sugar is Now Considered a Vitamin channel. Finding out you can shove a candy bar up a cupcake's ass and call the resulting Frankenfood a gourmet dessert is life-changing.

Over here, though? I'm gonna talk about stupid stuff. Things that get on my nerves, and things that surprise me when they don't. Advice for people slogging their way through hard times, and wisdom from my own two-fisted resistance to the shit-slinging this crazy little thing called "life" has a tendency to engage in from time to time. Sometimes, it'll have to do with being a vampire. But not always.

I try not to let that stupid condition run my show.

Still, the blog is called Joe VAMPIRE, so...

Even if the subject of being undead has seen days of greater relevance, we're gonna bounce it around a little and see how much fun we can have with it.'s all coming back to me now.

Yep. I've missed the fuck out of this place.

It's good to be home.

And wearing fresh underwear.

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